Stars and Moon

(Warning. The following article may contain scenes of a sexual nature that some people may find objectionable, namely wrinkled old prunes and non-progressive subversive elements of society. Singapore is a progressive society. Remember that. It is the Law.)

(disclaimer - this article is an utter fabrication. Any uncanny resemblances to reality are wholly coincidental. It is also clearly a tasteless piece of low class rubbish, because it is not written in Good English. It contains words with more than two syllables. If you feel your brain beginning to overheat, stop reading immediately, and put your head under running water for at least thirty minutes. You should probably be advised to read a quality Good English website like http://xiaxue.blogspot.com instead, as you are obviously a connoisseur. Oops. I mean a person of Good Taste.)

A Singalander's Story
Chapter 1

This is Kit.
He's not very tall. Or good looking. Or smart.
He's so nondescript that he blends in, in a crowd of two. Sometimes, people walk into him on the Street (ie Orchard Road, because there is really only one Street in Singaland) and then stare glassily through him as they bump him repeatedly trying to pass.

He's very slightly pimply, and very slightly chubby, and his eyes are a little too small for his face. He wears spectacles with thick plastic frames, not so much for the fashion statement they make but because they were handed out free of charge during his period of national enslavement.

Kit carries himself with that slightly abrasive arrogance born of an immense inferiority complex. He's a loser, and he knows it.

He considers himself a cut above the type of guy that a certain type of girl brings home to meet the parents, who in turn roll their eyes in quiet resignation before drawing her aside and subtly suggesting she lose some weight and consider serious reconstructive facial surgery.

He's the sort of guy who, if he'd trained to be a doctor, or lawyer, would get approving nods from parents across the country.

Instead, he studied engineering. Girls don't bring him home very often in case he puts their parents into a permanent vegetative state. Once in a very long while, some nondescript girl will think that maybe she might just possibly, (although she's not too sure and needs to talk it over with all her friends first) ...maybe entertain the thought of potentially liking him. That's how feminine love works in Singaland, except when it comes to buying branded clothes or garish handphones, where it is always a case of love at first sight, and acquisition at second (with boyfriend firmly in tow).

In other words, Kit is the Archtypical Singalandic Male whose existence the media and government vehemently deny. According to official statistics, Singalandic men are long and strong in the beam, with appendages thicker and wider than their caucasian counterparts, and it is always a mystery to Big Brother why local women should prefer their American Born Chinese counterparts (side note, remember to summon that particular reporter for an official visit to the Istana sometime soon for re-education.)
Other countries have to invest millions of dollars in Witness Protection Schemes or Intelligence Agency Training Programmes to attain the level of non-identity Kit was born with. Kit, and others of his ilk live in Cognito, which is a state of mind.

This particular Kit, unlike his 1241912 counterparts across the country, is about to have a life-changing experience.

This Kit is about to die.

(to be continued)
    # Re-minisce denies liability.6/27/2004 09:50:00 am